


without you

by clayisforgirls



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 16:56:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4357037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clayisforgirls/pseuds/clayisforgirls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"he never thought he'd have to learn how to survive without Mardy"</p><p>Originally posted in April 2006.</p>
            </blockquote>





	without you

He can barely look at Mardy now, even though it's been a while.

It doesn't help that he's back on tour, seemingly around every corner and he knows it's cruel but he hopes Mardy injures himself again, because maybe this would all stop. Because every time he sees the blonde it hurts, barely there greetings as they pass each other in the corridors at whatever tournament they're playing at that week. If he'd been asked if he thought it would ever come to this, he would have told them no, because he loved Mardy.

He still can't figure out their downfall, one moment they'd been happy and he'd thought in love, and then he'd gotten that call, and he'd heard it in Mardy's voice long before he'd spoken the words, "we need to talk," implied in every infliction. It had played on his mind through his match, Mardy filling his thoughts rather than the next shot he should be playing, just trying to make it through his service games but it hadn't worked. He'd flown to Florida two days later, curled on the foldout bed in first class for hours, sleeping through most of it, and Mardy's house had been familiar and comforting. At least, until he'd said the words that he hadn't wanted to hear, warm arms around him as Andy tried not to cry.

Parents had been happy to see him after he'd turned up on their doorstep even though he'd moped for a week, not sleeping in his old room, too many memories of his now ex-boyfriend there. He'd snapped at anyone and anything for a week, close to tears when he shouted at his mother but she'd just hugged him, quietly understanding that he'd just lost his once best friend and boyfriend.

More than anything, he just wanted him back.

He'd hung around Delray at first though he wasn't playing, getting practise in with whoever had a free moment, it was easier than flying back to Texas alone and calling John to get some practise. And then he'd seen them together, James comforting Mardy after his first loss of the year and he'd known, it hadn't just been that they were growing apart of whatever excuse he hadn't listened to that Mardy had given. It had been because of James.

He'd muttered, "Fuck you, Mardy," before stalking out of the locker room, and he'd left for California the next day, taking his old battered car and just driving until he reached Austin, foot to the floor the entire journey, a plane from there taking him to La Jolla.

Except, he hadn't expected Mardy to be there with James, he'd hoped for just one week where he hadn't had to see him, just so it wouldn't hurt so much. The worst part was that he couldn't avoid them, John asking him exactly what had happened the second night at dinner and he hadn't been able to stop it, everything coming out at once and he'd wanted it to feel better, hoped that telling someone would make everything go away but it didn't. It wasn't even close.

Playing was another story; he could feel Mardy watching him. Though he'd tried to forget it he couldn't, and it had ended with a hospital visit, being hooked to an IV drip for hours. He'd known that Mardy had been there when John refused to tell him, and even though the thought should have made him feel better, that Mardy still cared, it hadn't, just another overwhelming urge to scream at somethone or something, but he didn't.

He'd just been glad that Mardy hadn't watched his second match; otherwise he was certain it would have ended the same way.

Memphis hadn't been fun, staring at Mardy across the net had both inspired the feeling to kick his ass and beg for forgiveness right there on court. He'd settled for the ass kicking, or at least scraping a win, and that night he'd cried alone in his room, curling under the duvet and ignoring the phone. Because no matter how many times his brother called, he wasn't going to pick up.

Nothing about it had helped his game, now an essay in frustration, no focus on anything except how painful it was to be without Mardy, how he felt lost without him to lean on.

Las Vegas had been skipped mostly because of Mardy, he wasn't sure he could deal with another week of seeing him, and he had no desire to play him again, an early possibility with Mardy's ranking. So they'd stayed at home, a tiny bit happier that John was with him and they'd watched some of his old matches, trying to see what was different about his game but Andy already knew.

He'd had Mardy then, his sweet, supportive boyfriend who'd kissed him before every match for luck and afterwards too. And mostly it had worked, the belief Mardy had had in him had silenced the nagging doubt.

But that wasn't there anymore, the doubt creeping back in because if he wasn't good enough for Mardy then he doesn't know what he is good enough for. Maybe not even good enough to win a match, not without Mardy, the one person he'd always been able to lean on, confide in and now he doesn't have that.

It was the last straw at Indian Wells, James at Mardy's matches, seeing them together after Mardy's loss had sent him into overdrive and he couldn't stop the meltdown mid-match, had seen it coming for so long and hadn't been able to do anything. He couldn't hide the hurt afterwards, no jokes, just simple frustration at everything, and it had been enough to hope that Mardy had been watching, because it was all about him.

And maybe it would make him feel that little bit guilty, that sting of something that Andy wants him to feel so badly, because he would have known it was all because of him. Since they'd met it had always been about Mardy, and nothing's really changed over the years.

It's been almost three months and he's still not over it, frustration visible to everyone around him even though it's getting channelled into his game now. It's a learning process, how to hide the hurt, but he never thought he'd have to learn how to survive without Mardy.

He's not sure that he wants to.


End file.
